How To Have a Heart Attack
Posted August 19, 2008on:
Step 1: go to the gym at lunch. Work harder than you have in weeks. Perhaps months. Shower and change.
Step 2: get back to the office. Pick up voicemail from neighbour that says, “There was a HUGE fire at the townhouse complex today, but your unit is JUST FINE.” Think, “Oh. My. I should phone Darren” and “Well, neighbour is more Type A than myself and is prone to hyperbole.”
Step 3: Phone Darren. Tell him about fire and that you’ll try to hop an earlier train. Attempt not to hyperventilate. Phone insurance company that called you on the 16th to remind you that your house insurance expires on August 23. Give them credit card number. Attempt not to hyperventilate.
Step 4: Negotiate usage of banked overtime with boss’ boss because the manager is in the bathroom. Do this without hyperventilating. Tell last remaining coworker you need to leave early because of, oh, FIRE; coworker notices you are beet red. Hop bus to train, hop train. Answer Darren’s phone call (who is now home) saying our unit is fine, but two of the three units across the way are badly damaged and a third has smoke and water damage. Attempt not to hyperventilate. Notice the air circulation and air con on the train has gone out. Phone Darren two stops before mine for a ride.
Step 5: Debark, hop in car, and drive home. Park 2 blocks away because entrance to complex is blocked by a firetruck (and firemen, of course – which is always nice, and there was even a lady fireperson for the boys) and the restoration people. Notice that 2 of the 3 damaged units are COMPLETELY GUTTED.
Step 6: Notice neighbours have set up outdoor bar. Help self liberally to wine. Order pizza. Eat. Join neighbours again at outdoor bar. Watch firemen looking for hotspots. Inform firemen who remain that if they need the bathroom your door is open.
And if you want some video, it made the local news here.
I think I may go in late to work tomorrow.