Resolving Timeline Issues

Archive for the ‘Overheard’ Category

This was originally going to be about the Calgary Flames and the Abbotsford Heat jumping the queue for the swine flu vaccine, but this conversation is much more entertaining:

Darren (glancing over at the title to this post): Don’t include the Icehogs in that.

Me (blank look): Who?

Darren: The Icehogs. They’re Chicago’s farm team.

Me: [raises eyebrows]

Darren: Yeah, they’re getting new jerseys. They’re going to have a picture of a hog with a surgical mask.

rockfordiceswine(Image shamelessly taken from the Blackhawks chat boards)


While watching the news with a clip of Stephen Harper singing and tickling the ivories at the National Arts Centre:

Stephen [singing]: “I get by with a little help from my friends / I get high with a little help from my friends”
Me: He has friends?
Darren: He gets high?

I was sort of nervous to post this because then I might lose my two or so readers. And then I saw Mr. Lady’s Easter Post. Apologies in advance, but I can assure you, we’re both going to hell for this one.

Me: Happy Jesus Coming out of  a Hole Day!
Darren: Yes! 6 more weeks of winter!
Me: [giggles]
Darren: Its true! He comes out of a hole, sees his shadow and there’s 6 more weeks of winter!

Happy Easter. 🙂

Thursday, in the car coming home (Darren’s new job is about 10 blocks from my office so we’re carpooling)

Me: the best thing about having a kid? We have an excuse to go to Disneyland.
Darren: And go see Harry Potter movies.
Me: ?
Darren: Yeah, when the second one came out, I asked a friend, “Hey do you and the kids want to go see the Harry Potter movie? I’ll pay!” One of the kids didn’t want to go, so I offered to take her and pay. Because, you know, going to a Harry Potter movie as a grown man by yourself screams pedophile.

I cannot wait to see what kind of searches I get on this entry.


Crunchy Granola Prenatal instructor: …and some cultures eat the placenta!
Darren: [bugeyes]
Me (whispered): So are you going to go home and find a recipe for placenta muffins?
Darren: You know, some cultures eat their dead, too.
Crunchy Granola Prenatal Instructor: [deathgaze] So anyways…

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Overheard as we’re cleaning/organizing the office/computer room (which is a scary, scary, place).

Darren: I found a place where we can put that [pointing at bigass whiteboard that’s leaning against a bookcase because we can’t come up with a place to put it]

Me: Oh?

Darren: Yeah! In the downstairs bathroom!

Me: …

Darren: Come on! We don’t have anywhere else to put it.

Me: You know you have too much crap when you start talking about putting a whiteboard in the bathroom.

Darren: [blink] [blink]

Me: you could take that other one with the broken corner down and replace it with that one.

Darren: No. That one was a pain in the ass to hang. It is NOT coming down.

Me: Well, what about putting it above my desk?

Darren: You wouldn’t be able to reach it!

Me: Yes I would.

Darren: You can’t even reach your cork board above your desk.

Me: Can so too.

Darren: Can so NOT.

Me: I was the one who hung them up!

Darren: Yeah, when you had the little kiddie desk.

Me: Nooooooo….?

Darren: Yeeeeeeeeees.

Me: I’m going to come home one day and find the whiteboard hanging in the bathroom, aren’t I?

Darren: Possibly.


Dad (on phone): So you guys will need nursery stuff – send a list of what you want.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Dad: well? Haven’t you been looking?
Me: Well the crib I want is at costco, but its pretty pricey.
Dad: What else do you need?
Me: (thinking: didn’t this man raise a child? me?) Well, we’ll need a stroller and carseat.
Dad: Oh you don’t need the carseat until later!
Me: [crickets]
Dad: Hellooooo?
Me: If we don’t have a carseat, how do we get the baby home from the hospital?
Dad: You hold it!
Me: (thinking he wouldn’t get a Britney reference) Well. Um. Now all children have to be in a carseat if they’re in the car. When they get too big for a carseat, they have to go in a booster seat until they’re 8.
Dad: Damn government, interfering with this stuff. When we brought you home from the hospital, we just put 4-inch foam in the back of the station wagon, on the bottom and so it went up against the back rest, you know? and then we just laid you down back there. So that if we had to stop suddenly and you slid forward, you wouldn’t hurt your head, because of the foam, you know?
Me: [crickets]
Mom: (in background) You can’t do that anymore.
Me: You know, I bet that’s why they changed the law. Someone saw you taking me home like that, called child protective services, and they changed the law. Its all about me.
Dad: It could shed some light on what happened to you though.

How I ever made it into adulthood astounds me.

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Because the following conversation is the most exciting thing in DAYS here:

Coming in:

Darren: Oh, Brad’s coming in to town.
Me: When?
Darren: 7 and 8.
Me: Oh. Okay.
Me: [eyeing what Darren is carrying] Smirnoff Ice?
Darren: Yeah, that’s what he drinks!
Me: OH! Between 7 and 8! I thought you meant November 7 and 8.

A few minutes later:


Me: Hello?
Phone: silence.
Me: Helloooooo?
Phone: silence.
Phone: BEEP BEEP BEEP! :turns off:
Me: Hm.

Go downstairs to see what’s going on. Darren is on the phone writing notes. He hangs up.

Me: So, where is he?
Darren: he’s broken down in Chilliwack.
Me: Oh. You have fun with that.
Darren: I knew you were going to say that.
Me: Yeah, because I’m a loving girlfriend and shit.

Darren: What is with all these ads about the opposite side?

Me: Well, we get those too. You know the province buys ad space on TV.

Darren: Yeah, but that’s usually things like, “Licking power lines is bad.”

Me: What about all those BC 150 ads?

Darren: That’s STILL like telling us that “Licking power lines is bad.”


Because I’ve bitched about the carbon tax enough, how about something a little more frivolous?

Hotfessional’s last post reminded me about this. Conversation number one occurred when I was out to lunch with a coworker on Monday (hey, she was buying. Who am I to refuse a free lunch?). She was talking about her brother who has some anger management problems:

Coworker: So when he came here and stayed with me when I had my surgery, it rained for 22 days straight and he refused to go to the market.
Me: Mmmmf (said around a mouthful of goat cheese and prosciutto)
Coworker: I told him there was an umbrella and the market is two blocks away; he said he’d go after it stopped raining.
Me: Mmmmf (it was fries this time)
Coworker: I mean, really. Its not like he’d melt. He’s not the Wicked Witch of the West. (pause) Well, maybe he is the asshole of the east.

(Not that Mr. Hot is an asshole)

Conversation number two occurred on the ride home. My carpool partner got herself engaged over the weekend and was telling me about her wedding plans and how Darren and I would get an invitation because we carpool:

Me: You know, you’re not obligated to invite us.
Carpool buddy: Oh, I know. There’s no obligation. I actually like you.
(she does stand up comedy on the side) (this is also a pregnant pause)
Me: Thanks! I like you too!

November 2020


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